So many plans, so many lists of dos and dont’s, so many expectations for myself and the world, so…how do I make it through while adhereing to them all? I don’t.

About  a year ago God moved me to Nebraska for the finishing of my degree. I felt completely abandoned by God. I felt pushed to the back burner so God could use everyone but me. This lie edged me away from God. Slowly at first of course until school, work, writing papers, and a relationship took over all my time much like the plague. I was too busy treading water to turn around and open up to the one who knew my purpose for Nebraska. I was scared to hear what it would be. I was scared to ask about the right now. Scared He would say He didn’t need me in MN. Scared He would make NE my desert for 40 years. I was heart broken for my Papa and scared of all the weakness He saw in me. —  What do I do with this fear? I let it cycle through my head like my own personal home theater with lies attached to every picture clip on the real. I had gone on auto piolet and out of my league (my league being more in the realms of worms). I had no idea how to get back. I felt I had to ease up on the passion deep within me so others would come close. I told myself I was too much. I was interested in things others found as “bummer topics”. So, instead of changing the scenery, I stopped talking about them so much. I stopped reading about them. When this happened, it was as if something died in me. I was not living my purpose I had conformed. Oh, how I dispise being a conformer.

God had to shake me awake. I turned around and found myself in His arms deeper than ever. If getting close to someone or something pulls you farther from God, get out. If the more you plan with someone you future looks less and less the way God gave you visions of or told you about, get out get out now! Think of it much like a burning building. Seeking God first grants you the most important thing, HIM. When we are obedient to God, He sometime leads us in opposite direction than we want.  If we have faith and follow, we get there faster than possible.  Faith. hmmm. Faith.  “I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans togive you the future you hope for.” Jeremiah029.11

If you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can’t be my disciple. Luke014.33

Yes, all of this was said by a planner. God is a planner so He understands how hard it is for us planners to kiss our plans goodbye and follow what seems like anti-reason because what we want is in the opposite direction. The worlds reality tends to put me into a tail spin. So, I have to repeat to myself daily “God reality, God initiative, God provisions.”

BIG LIFE CHANGE!!

Yes, I moved and have been completely sidetracked…kind of how I feel my life is right now, sidetracked.

However, I’m back and ready to continue this blog. The plans I had for myself have been completely shifted by God through what feels like a chess match. The King always wins. Here I am ready and willing to be used by God in this place that seems to me as the desert. I feel like God brought me here only to work and finish my degree because I don’t seem to have time for much else. Now, I understand that the person reading this ridiculous excuse for a blog post doesn’t really care about all this jazz so, I digress…hahahahah I’ve always wanted to use that word!

Whew! So, now that you know I am as crazy and awkward as ever, maybe you’ll continue to read! HA!

Chess match hmmmm now how to come up w/ some extremely brilliant symbolic load of poo to use as a teaching metaphor…hahha. I find that happening a TON! Why can’t we as Christians accept that we are extremely messed up and our biotic need for a savior is what has saved us..NOT our rung on the ladder of spirituality! I prefer to play chess with God…you see it is completely rigged b/c no matter how great my “poker face” is…HE KNOWS WHAT I’M THINKING! and as you’ve guessed, I have no CLUE what He is thinkin’.  Nevertheless, it’s quality time and God really does like to use His sense of humor on me. I love the times when we are playin’ chess and I’m thinkin’ five moves ahead and I think to myself…holy cowabunga…i got Him…i could totally win this chess match. In the moments following my ignorant defeat, I realize that He does that so I see that secretly I don’t always believe we are on the same team…secretly I feel that He opposes me. I feel that He isn’t just spending some quality time with me while showin’ me how to get better at life but that He is actually my enemy  ….oooooo scary thought am I right? So, we spend the next two weeks talking all about the deep fears that stake their way inbetween my dad and I.

YAY! It’s truly barrels o’ fun haha!                                          it sucks.                     BUT at least i’m spending that time w/ Him talking about the distance between us. This is only possible when the abyss of your fears is laid out on the table and  each entity is give it’s chance to move…             much like a chess game.

     The story of sleeping beauty is not one that has ever really been my favorite actually. However, I have always liked a good fairy tale…easy on the good;)

I was just thinking the other day about how many of us are sleeping beauties…the reality of the world is too scary and chaotic so we hybernate our beauty and brave the world the only way we know how [numb.]

We are waiting for someone to awaken us and tell us the scary witch has been silenced and that now our beauty can prevail. We are waiting for the promise that our beauty won’t be exploited against us. Daring to pray that we have the courage not to sabotage our beauty.

This is a dark world we vagabonds explore. We hope a Prince in shining armor will come one day to save our beauty. I have a secret…shhh

[He has already come for you/Yes He is a Prince...a King/yearning to awaken your eyes to your own beauty.]

we are told…there is a wide road that many follow and a narrow road that few will follow…but life seems a lot more like train tracks…

we are told to PICK a SIDE, pick A side…but most of us bewildering crazy kids walk on the wild side and choose to dare the train tracks themselves.

where do these train tracks lead?

do i just decide if i want chocolate or vanilla ice cream? or do the tracks symbolize purpose of life and therefore demand a prioritized spectrum of success??…chocolate btw chocolate ice cream.

for me my dear friends…i don’t really want a foreseen track laid out that i must commit to and never leave…i prefer to not know where such benevolent ideals shall take me.

WARNING [if this message is too hard to understand...it's simply b/c i'm misunderstood *wink*]

CODE of MENTORSHIP:

NEVER give advise when you have something to gain in the matter.

NEVER say something unless it is out of LOVE…even if it is truth.

ALWAYS be real.

ALWAYS be jaggedly honest about how imperfect you truly are.

ALWAYS stay when they tell you to leave.

ALWAYS love ‘em when they are hard to love.

ALWAYS get checked by your own MENTOR.

NEVER forget Who you answer to if you lead one of His astray.

ALWAYS be quick to admit wrongs and move forward

[no one is perfect so don't pretend to be]

NEVER deceitfully manipulate anyone or use someone.

ALWAYS encourage.

These are just a few off the top of my head. I want us all to seriously understand the LEVEL Christ holds us to. We are NEVER to lead anyone astray for it is better for us to have a milestone hung around our neck and thrown into the ocean. This is NOT just for perverts or abusers, it is ESPECIALLY for those in positions of influence. The defender of the oppressed and the Avenger of us ALL is extremely ferocious in His love and does not let anything go unnoticed. The bar is set, don’t temp the Judge.

Consider your position and consider the bottom of the ocean…what are you willing to risk?

“The purityof silver and gold is tested by putting them in the fire,

The purity of human hearts is tested by giving them a little fame.” -The Message Bible Proverbs27.21

Starting this website and blog was a little unsettling for me. I didn’t know what to do with it and it made me uneasy having my name be the “title.” I by no means have fame but this deep desire to connect with a vast variety of women ‘n girls hasn’t simmered out. I am on constant examination of self.

It’s actually kind of awkward sometimes. Much like sitting in a dr. room naked with only a thin paper “slip” covering you. Super awkward. I feel totally exposed and a little like I’m about to scarepee

[scared so much you pee a little]

…scarepees are totally normal at dr. offices and especially when your vulnerability is on showcase. The second we think we don’t need a second opinion on our attitude or our “pride check-up” is the second we need a fameoscopy…now maybe I’m trying too hard but you have to understand I do have an awkward sense of humor. on the real.

I know that when I think I can do it on my own, I get independant and a lil farther from my Source. It’s better to be the one activly checking yourself out ‘n askin’ for trusted advice instead of unknowingly displayin’ a SERIOUS ingrown tail…ya know something you can’t hide:) Let’s say a long cheetah tail…like Tony the Tiger [oh ya that would be a tiger tail hahhaa, I crack myself up]

Get a regular check up that’s all I’m sayin’;) [WARNING: It can be just as awkward as a pap smear.]

The mob equipted with pitchforks will soon come after me for my brilliant philosophy on the roles of women.

So, here goes…

Just kidding…I do not have the diaphram to contain such spectacular cage fighting ideals on the world’s sole inhabitants.

Yet..haha

I would like to address some areas where I’m certain the roles have been manipulated and warped to feed the “slave owners” of women. Saying any of these may put me on a WANTED-nazi-feminist poster but I’m willing to get my sketch drawn so here I go.

/Women were not made to be trained on for the next Mike Tyson fight./Women were not designed to bloom under verbal attack./Girls were not made for boys to feel up or do what they like with./Girls were not made to withstand serial ads that tell them they are fat, ugly, and not enough./Females were not made to be conquered like land or property./Girls were not made to look into a mirror smudged with labels, condemnation, stereotypes, and get-hot-look-thin stickers./Women were not made to live a loveless marriage./Females were not made to become sex symbols./Girls were not made to owe men their bodies./5 year old girls were not made to service old itchy perverted men./NO ONE WAS MADE TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED.

This list could continue through infinity and beyond. I have had teenage girls tell me they feel like they owe guys…so they let them do what they want. No person on this Earth has any right to touch you even with your permission.

Rights are given out by God, and all mankind has forfeited their rights.

Girls, please I beg you with passionate reverence for the value God made you with…please do NOT see yourself through the world’s mirror of contempt. Do not doubt your value based on the blotchy mascara notepad that your life has seemed to have been written on.

No matter if you ever did anything for Jesus, no matter if you scam ten boys tomorrow, no matter if you cheat your way through grad school, no matter if you ever find the courage to tell…you are still VALUABLE. 

you do NOT decide your value

we all share the same fate…

death[.]

so much time in high school was spent daydreaming about grandiose ways of getting out of nebraska, *cough* yes people i said nebraska, and making something of myself. conquering the world of people that said i would never amount to anything. there was no doubt in my mind that i could become something…great.

then, life happened[.]

craziness of uncertainty crashed the beautific plans of my future as loss rained tar onto my wings.. life wasn’t the “work hard and you’ll succeed” place that i once imagined. it was full of circuses at work tethering heartbreaking disasters to conquer the world’s inhabitants instead of the other way around. the world wasn’t just full of deviants and peace inducing people…it was full of evil being lavished upon and the poor being even more exploited..

no, this was not a world i wanted to be a part of

you see, i had “F”lunked wisdom…the meaning of life was forthright spent on success and other peoples ideals of success…even in the “Christian” world success was in the eyes of the “wise” and “spiritual leaders”…success was being the most spiritual, the most used, the highest level of leadership, success was being promoted to a higher place…yada yada yada..

i couldn’t compete[.]

but you see the quester of ecclesiastes understood my new abundant theology on life…it was all meaningless. all the things we deem powerful and successful and etched in stone triumphant was all…m.e.a.n.i.n.g.l.e.s.s[.]

the rules of engagement have been defined in many different realms but the truth of life drawn in the sand by Jesus has been curtly deemed “not enough”…

so about the world we wander some boldly fighting for their careers/businesses, some stumbling through the party world as numb as a doornob, and others with some false sense of purpose fight for those that cannot fight for themselves and end up burning out… “no one can make sense of what God is doing on this earth…no matter how smart you are, you won’t get to the bottom of it.”

what to do what to do…

SEIZE LIFE!!!

“the living at least know something, even if it’s only that they’re going to die.”

“enjoy the good day, examine your conscience on a bad day…God has given us both so we don’t take anything for granted”

wake up w/ gusto and live! live live live! live in the present and don’t get caught up in what people think or say of you…your success is not measured by man. success has become money and the greed for it will rip you limb from limb. FEAR GOD! only He has saved you and only His plans will survive the chaos of this world and the depravity of its people. all that we fight for in life tastes of meaningless strife if it is done for self and for recognition…life is not was it seems…life is not an equation to proof…life is just that, life. and we all come to the same end so do not unjustly set yourself above another…for we all have one shared fate

death[.]

therefore we are all equal in life and in death only one Man will set us a part

do you know Him?

So many times we judge others…

we judge people when they mess up…

we judge people when they aren’t perfect…

and then WE mess up…and everything changes…

We are so scared to tell anyone the truth about how we mess up b/c we know exactly what they’ll think…b/c we’ve thought it before…

we judge girls when they mess up w/ a boy…

and then we mess up w/ a boy…

and everything changes

sometimes when we mess up we think we might as well mess up hard core…

sometimes when we mess up we pretend nothing ever happened…

but the facade starts to melt and we get paranoid about who’s gunna tell…

so we dig a deeper hole…

Who’s gunna have the guts to be real?

this raw honesty that shouts        I’VE MESSED UP BIG!!!

this intense courage that dares others to love us at our WORST

this bleeding heart that dares just one to see the real me…and not run

this angry hurting soul that can’t stop sabotoging his/her life DARING the world to throw the first stone…

I dare you…

I dare you…

I dare me…

Michael was my hero and protector for many of my early years.

He started getting into alcohol hard core when he was fifteen. Eventually, he messed around with girls and some drugs. We fought a lot and I would get so angry at him for calling me names. I pulled away from him and decided he wasn’t good for me. I was even embarrassed by him…

He came to my graduation party, gave me a hug, and told me he was proud of me. The last thing I remember was thinkin’ “ugh he smells.” Less than a month later I got a phone call at like five in the morning to my mom crying and saying I had to come home. Instantly, I knew it was Michael. I asked her if it was Michael and she said, “yes baby.” I asked if he was dead ‘n she told me to just come home.

I knew. I bawled all the way home.

I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even go to his burial. I told my mom I had to work and went to work instead. I couldn’t handle it. My hero was dead and I didn’t do anything to stop it. I was a Christian and I never fought for him. It became too hard. College then became too overwhelming and I decided not to go back after my first semester. I didn’t know how to deal with my brother’s death. I started fighting with depression and thoughts of death myself. It was this dark blanket that was too heavy to lift off ‘n I realized that Satan had left me to my own devices…

…I had become my worst enemy.

God has done a lot of healing in me since that day and I’ve been able to speak to a lot of teens about suicide. My brother is represented everytime I speak and his story lives on through me.

How many of you have fought depression? Suicide? Let’s talk it out…

Romans 5:3-5 “…Hope will not let you down…”